Sunday, March 8, 2009

Flying on trains

Always sleeping in late. Late nights working, finding new faces, hearing new storiesthough often being brought back to the same place. The work can leave me exhausted. Maybe the constant haze. Fog, smog blocking out light that would pull me to my feet. It is probably the girl. Hand resting on my chest, my stomach. Hair tickling my nose or just filling it with that scent that all women have, but none have in common. Not the one i want, but exactly what i was looking for. . Everyday, whether she has gone to work or decided to stay home to help me with mine. I lay and breathe deeply in bed not know when i may force my legs to move,
Come to the party, here is a flyer
Just trying to snage some girls, maybe help Li Kui get laid too. My eyes are drawn to her lips. I can`t help but think what they are great for. And then finding myself lying in ecstasy far away from where it started. Not know how i got to where i am, remembering roads but unable to see how it all ended up fitting together. Hand grabbing here hair as i lay back flooded with current ecstasy, but with the past screaming at the back of my mind. It doesn`t seem real like that long nights dream that pulled me through till dawn, a dream found in a storm. It has been so long, it shouldn`t feel strange but still does. The hip-hop queen in a city i love. First lust i have really felt not brought on by perfect lips and breasts and eyes that beckon. Although not lacking, they do not make me want this girl as much as her spirit.
Pushing through every car on the train i know not what to do. They sit me down, give me a secured place of honor while driving others off. What if anything can i, should i do.
No more dao, all gone in smoke, So satisfying sitting amongst the uniforms, chatting with them, blowing rings of smoke to mingle with their cigarettes. My american tobacco, my kung fu, the lao wai sitting and meditating, always smiling.
What do all these things mean. What purpose or goal these thoughts, these wonderings. What should i be trying to do, what can i hope to accomplish. Things seemed much clearer with the Jester and Dean Moriarty. The dancing chaso seemed as if we were being pulled along by something, seemed as if we had heard a grand song and begun dancing to it without knowing. Have i lost the tune or is this just what happens when you changes instruments to zithers and turntables. I hope i have not strayed and become lost. Its hard to tell, what would this even mean. I never knew where i was headed, but always assumed i could fall off the path somehow. More and more ink sacrificed to pages. Letting vent to thoughts i should not bother with. I thought i would feel different, i thought i was supposed to be changed. Maybe i have, but have not noticed. My memory is so filled with a jumble of long gazes int the mirror without ever knowing what i have seen. Maybe watching yourself is like watching a dog grow, you only notice when you leave and then come back. It is much harder to leave myself, but maybe i can just stop caring.
Don`t know what the hell i am doing. What i am chasing. Give me pretty girls and loud hip-hop parties, quite contemplation leading to sudden enlightenment. Give me constant change and comfort wherever i go. Somehow i am able to find them all. Torn apart of being pulled together.
Thick fragrant clouds. They do not obscure but further draw out the eyes, the gentles smile of the still one. Pink petals grow at his unmoving feet. Movement in the stillness. A movement which can spread over all. Embracing with the pure shinning eyes. Her eyes shine too, set also in a soft white face, rounded and beautiful. Her heart holds the some loves, but here mouth professes it with different words. Beauty found searching for maps. It grabs you by the ankles and pulls you along never bothering to ask where you may have thought to go, simply taking you to a new place.

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